Ever since I can remember I have been dominant.
"Submission is weak. Crying is weak. Only the weak cry. Only the weak submit!"
My step-father would tell me this often. I could blame it on his military background, but secretly I suppose he hated the fact that I was a girl. He married my mother when he was 21. She was 31, and a widow with a three-year-old daughter. My mother never was able to give him any children. I believe that made him treat me like the "son he never had". I was forced into sports. Basketball, softball, and volleyball. I excelled as a center. I went to tournaments as a stand-in for other teams as a catcher. I could do an over hand spike like you wouldn't believe. All things I enjoyed, but only because for one instant I felt my father loved me. Don't misunderstand that previous statement none of this is because I didn't feel loved as a child. I felt he truly expressed his love and appreciation the day I was crowned Homecoming Queen.
"You may not be as thin as your cousins, but I'm proud of you. You won Homecoming Queen, and showed them that you don't have to be rail thin to accomplish something like this!"
Thanks, I think.
My mother was, and still is my rock. I love her more than life itself. She and him adopted two boys from Tulsa, OK (both half-brothers), a little girl from Jamaica, and fostered another little girl who we've known since her birth (tragic accident may go into that later). Those kids are my life. I love them as much as my mother. I keep wondering if my father were still alive if I'd have grown up more compassionate? Better able to be a feminine girl who liked wearing dresses and playing tea party. One who wasn't made ashamed of crying, and who could show emotions. Then again, I never would have met the people I have, or have wonderful siblings, and an even greater godson/cousin.
I remember as a young child dominating my friends.
"Let's go in the tent. Okay lay down. I'm supposed to lick you. That's what the man on the TV does."
Frequent "indoor camping trips" with my friends were nothing more than child molestation done at the hands of another child. I can't say my friends didn't enjoy it, but looking back now we had no idea what we were doing or getting into. As I got older, I got bolder, and wiser. I "converted" girls into being the bisexuals that I wanted. I remember one girl in particular. Her name was Jessica. I thought she was beautiful. She was about 5'1, almost ash blonde hair. She wore make-up, talked to boys was a year older than me, and had perfect perky 34Bs. She was 13 going on 14. I was 12. We had sex whenever my friend, Shaila, would invite both of us over. We'd wait until she was asleep, and then run to her room to play "college". Guess who was the boyfriend? I believe I was the first person to lick her to orgasm.
Stupidly I wrote about our affair in my diary. I trusted my mother and step-father enough not to read my private thoughts and feelings. I trusted them enough to give them the spare key. Not only did they break that trust, they broke the lock to my diary. My mother flew into a rage!
"There are no such things as bisexual, lesbian, or gay people, Jinxy! They are confused sinners! They will burn in hell for what they do. Do you want to go to hell? Just because you're on the pill does not mean you can be out there having sex. I told you that!! We are going to get you tested. You are never allowed to spend the night at anyone's house again! EVER!"
I've never been more ashamed or scared in my life. I was actually on the pill for menstrual reasons, but parents tend to forget things when they're mad. At that time we were living in Fort Sill, OK. My mother took me on base where a black nurse with a wide load ass, and an even bigger attitude took my blood for an AIDS test. An AIDS test! Honestly! I was still a virgin, and remained that way until I turned 17. (She still thinks I am one.) Obviously my results came back negative, but whatever she did worked. I didn't touch another female until I was in 9th grade.
Enough about my childhood, at least for now. As I got older I started reading around the net more and more. I started delving into roleplaying back when Yahoo! still had clubs. My quest for images to depict what my character looked like took me to
CastleRealm there I was introduced to the world of
BDSM. Finally my feelings, and the way people acted around me started to make sense. It made sense why children, pets, and even adults did as I asked with no questions asked. I thought maybe I was just intimidating. But lo, I was a Dominant! I had a place, and a purpose. I then tried to find out more. Yahoo! is always a good place to start. I joined a club, and was accosted with well-wishers. I met one man in particular who introduced me to a site called
CollarMe. (From here on known as CM.) He identified as a switch. That was something new to me. A switch? What the hell was that?
After doing more and more research, reading numerous books, and taking time to reflect on myself I found that I had no desire to switch, and was pretty content with my role as "Top". The more and more I told myself I was on top, the less and less I became interested in it, that is until I met Chris. Chris and I actually met through a
vanilla friend. This is the same friend who is the mother of my godson. Chris moved to Tampa to live with me. He lived with me for a crazy, and self-identifying year. We had our ups and downs, but overall I enjoyed our time together.
While in Tampa I kept having this nagging thought/feeling. The idea of submission became more, and more intense. I visited a
munch as a submissive, and was bombarded by men wanting to take me under their wing and "spank me". My first instinct was to run. And run I did. I haven't been to another munch since. Do I still want to go to a munch, yes, but sometimes life gets in the way.
After my munch experience I conversed back and forth with a woman I met on CM. She informed me that she was a Domme-In-Training. A what?! All these new words and ideas! She basically wanted to try being a submissive to better understand what her submissives were going through. I thought,
"Hey, maybe I could do that. If I don't like it, then that means subbing isn't for me!" We met with a "Dom" named Frank. HA! This man was a joke. He had a live-in sub who he basically tricked into living with him. Come to think of it, that's how he made a living; by scamming people or tricking men into thinking he was a woman, and sending him money for a plane ticket that he had no intention of buying. Long story short, he attempted to get more and more subs even though he couldn't care for the ones he already had. This ended with us (us being the three submissives he had acquired), stealing his live-in away in the middle of the night. Last I heard he was a manager at Sonics Drive-Thru.
After Frank I decided being submissive was not in the cards for me. I moved back home, and let Chris go. I was still battling with being submissive. Remember submission is a weakness? When I moved home I reunited with my best friends. Not that they were ever gone, I just kind of stopped talking to them so much. My best friend C informed me that she was going to tell her parents she didn't want to be a nurse anymore, and was dropping out of class. In their predictable fashion they freaked out, and became irrational. I left my home in the middle of the night, and brought her to my parent's home where we remained until we bought a house.
The thing about C is this. She is submissive. She was raised that way. Bite your tongue. Don't talk back.
Never question authority. I was raised to be dominant. Speak your mind. Open your mouth, stand up for what you believe in, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I introduced her to BDSM. I introduced her to as much information as I knew. She wanted to be Dominant. She wanted to dominate someone. She wanted to be a Mommy Domme. A WHAT?! That was something I hadn't heard of. I had hear of
furries,
pony play, domestic house slaves, toilet slaves (yuck!), and even
sex slaves, but a Mommy Domme? Turns out this has to do with AB, also known as
Adult Babies. This is a total turn-0ff to me, especially the diapering.
The more and more I watched C evolve, the more and more I noticed she was putting on a front. Being dominant did not come natural to her, but she refused to admit she was a submissive. The more I watched BDSM related movies, the more I yearned to understand the submissive. I don't know when the wanting to understand turned into the need to be. I changed my profile from Domme to Switch, and once again proceeded to find a "Daddy". I needed someone who I felt was more dominant than me. Someone who could put me in my place. I browsed the message boards daily envious of the collared submissives who were happy in their relationships. I was even envious of the Doms and Dommes who had met and collared their submissives. I was envious because they knew for a fact who they were. They didn't have to wonder or struggle with choices. I found that even though I wanted to be submissive I didn't want to stop being Dominant. That's where being a Submissive Top came into play.
A Submissive Top is basically a submissive who is usually collared. Their Dom/me has one or more submissives who are in a sense "under" the submissive top. In a nutshell anyhow.
This revelation put me a bit at ease. I continued browsing the message boards until one day I came across a profile that struck me as odd. I had heard about puppy play. I had even saw a few online, but kitten play? To me this girl is beautiful. She is a submissive. She is a kitten. She is how I see myself. She was a website called
KittenPlay. Although her website is limited on information, she does have a lot of good videos.
The thought of being a kitten appealed to me more, and more. I inactively kept searching for a Dominant male. I scoured profiles daily hoping to find one who might catch my eye. I felt all was hopeless, and lost. That is until I got a message from a local man. I'm always leery about meeting anyone local. It's too risky. To many variables and factors. This man is beyond honest about
everything. He put me in my place with simple little comments. I want him. I cannot delve too much into my meeting with him as everything is still up in the air. Suffice to say that I cannot wait to see what the future holds with us. Did I mention he wants to make me a kitty? JOY!
My decision to step off my throne, and into submission is not, and has not been an easy one. Sometimes I feel like I've let people down by showing that I'm not always Dominant like people believe, but at the same time I want to start living for me. C is still worried about being submissive, but I have told her that I will never let anyone hurt her. If she has any ominous feelings she knows I will put my life on the line to protect her. Not only is she my best friend she is pretty much my wife.
Is submission going to be easy? By all means no, but I plan on blogging my journey in hopes that others may see, and either come to terms with their feelings or learn a little bit about the lifestyle.
Submission by all means is not a weakness. It is an empowerment. It is becoming a woman. It is acceptance.
...I can't make pancakes. I mean yes, I can mix the batter and all that jazz, but my pancakes come out looking like skewed bits of vomit. I was hungry today, and my pantry is looking a bit bare, but lo and behold there are pancakes! Yeah, so not trying that again.
